Everyone always talks about spicing it up in the bedroom, trying different things and wild ideas they want to explore with a special someone, but why does it rarely happen? Because people don't know how to ask! It's so important to your own headspace, as well as your relationship with your partner, to have these conversations. “The behaviours immediately following sexual activity have important effects not only on the sexual episode, but also on couples’ relationship satisfaction.” (Denes, A., Afifi, T.D. & Granger, D.A. 2017, p.282) So we thought we would go over six things we believe can help you spice up your sex life and make those nerve racking conversations a little easier. 

1. Plan in advance

Most people talk about spontaneous acts in the bedroom being exciting and a massive turn on. This may be the case for some but not for all, so if you’re looking to do something different with your partner, talk about it in advance when you’re in a comfortable setting. If you’re a little nervous, write it down first. “Sex therapists often ask patients to write letters or notes to their partners about sex issues they may be uncomfortable discussing verbally” as it allows people to find ways to communicate comfortably and on their own terms (Noland, C. 2020, p. 2019). Remember people, consent is cool. Have open discussions and a plan before you look to introduce new things into the bedroom, including involving toys. You want to make sure every person involved feels their confidence and enjoyment reaches new heights, so make them aware of what you want to do and why! It’s always important that everyone feels valued and appreciated. 

2. Be confident in yourself

One thing we want to make clear is no matter who you are, you should feel comfortable and confident about what you're into in the bedroom. You shouldn't feel ashamed of wanting to try something new or experiment, and your partner should be supportive. Compromise is key to finding a middle ground that both of you enjoy. Remember that something you see as fun and exciting can be intimidating to someone else at first, but they may really like it if they are made to feel comfortable and heard. That being said, if it’s really not their cup of tea, respect that. As long as you’re open and honest, you’ll be able to try things that get you both excited.


Ever heard the saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day'? This applies perfectly to the bedroom. Whether it's trying something new, or even just doing what you normally do, it’s ok to slow it down, take your time and really enjoy the moment. I really like to incorporate some deep breathing during my sexual encounters. Not only can it be super sexy but it helps you keep control of your body and your emotions, which can make for a better experience when trying something new like incorporating a toy or exploring a part of the body which you haven't navigated before as a team.

4. Enjoy the moment

This is probably the most easily forgotten rule, in my opinion. I speak to so many people that, when they talk about sex, get so caught up in worrying about all the things that don’t matter they forget to just relax and be in the moment. Sex is intimidating. It doesn’t matter who you are, when your butt naked with another human being and hands start wandering you can very quickly get in your head about the little things, especially if your trying something you or your partner have never done before. Reassuring words and asking questions can be sexy and makes it much easier for you and your partner to enjoy the sexual experience together. Always remember to go with your emotions, and don't forget to enjoy it.

5. Once you're finished, talk about it 

“Research ... revealed that engaging in affectionate behaviours post sex, such as cuddling, kissing, and intimate talking, was associated with greater sexual satisfaction, which in turn predicted greater relationship satisfaction.” (Denes, A., 2021, para.8) We’ve all had the awkward post sex talk, but lets break it down, why is it so awkward? In most cases, it's because prior to getting down to it there was no communication. When no one discusses their wants, needs or boundaries, the inevitable moment arises when you're both laying on your back or someone is awkwardly looking for a towel and the question, ‘So, how was it?’ is always hollow (especially if they're a stranger). If you flip the script and follow the first four steps above, this conversation can easily be broken down and discussed. Taking the time to plan, feel confident, relax and be in the moment allows you to be open to talking about what you tried and how it made you feel. Then, you can incorporate more of what everyone wants! 

6. Try again!

You heard me. After you're done, take a beat and when you’re ready, get back to it! Don’t be shy. The more you practice, the more comfortable you'll be, the more you'll enjoy the experience as a whole. I truly believe that people having bad sex is not based off anything but a lack of communication. When people talk about chemistry in the bedroom, what they really mean is understanding the wants and needs of their sexual partner and vice versa. Want better sexual chemistry? Learn how to state your wants and needs. You'll never know the answer if you don't ask and you should never be ashamed to ask for what you want. Sex is two people (or more, if that’s your vibe) having fun. If it’s not fun, speak up!

Have you tried bringing toys into the bedroom, or are you a bit nervous to give it a go? Let us know your thoughts in the comments! 

Let us know what you’re curious about and what content resonates with you. If you’ve got questions, we’re here to answer them!



Denes, A., Afifi, T.D. & Granger, D.A. 2017, "Physiology and pillow talk: Relations between testosterone and communication post sex", Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol. 34, no. 3, pp. 281-308.
Denes, A., 2021, Gene X Environment Interactions and Pillow Talk: Investigating the Associations among the OXTR Gene, Orgasm, Post Sex Communication, and Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adult Relationships, Communication Studies, vol. 72, no.1, pp. 68-85.
Noland, C. 2020, "Communication and Sexual Self-help: Erotica, Kink and The Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon", Sexuality & Culture, vol. 24, no. 5, pp. 1457-1479.